Wrath

Last night I was watching Hello Herman simply because Norman Reedus was in it. Norman Reedus is one of my fav people to watch talk on my television. He’s one of those actors that it doesn’t matter how terrible the movie is, I will watch it until the credits start rolling at the end. Anyways, the movie is about a 16yr old boy who shoots up his school and wants to tell his story to Lax (aka Norman) for his blogger site. Watching it got me thinking of a photo I took in 2006 that barely ever saw the light of day because whenever there was an opportunity for an exhibition or anything everyone would tell me it’s “too soon” to submit it. Well it’s now 2017, can I show it yet before I die?

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Wrath: Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury.

In 2006 I was in my final year of photography and working on my big project which was on the Seven Deadly Sins. The idea was for one set of photos to be in black and white and to be serious and the other set to be colourful and more tongue in cheek. The colour side sort of failed me, and that’s probably because most of what I’m thinking tends to be more dark in nature. That’s just who I am.

For wrath I didn’t need to think too hard about what I was going to do. The concept was a school shooting. I wasn’t trying to be sensationalist with it, it was just something I identified with. This was one of those moments where my Fine Art lecturers would have been impressed with me finally, because I irritated them for two years with never having a reason behind my artwork and finally here I was with all my social commentary!

The photo itself was simple to put together. One of the tafe “studios” was actually a classroom and I used a couple of people in my class and my brother who was in Year 12 at the time came in with a couple of his mates to be students. The only downfall was that tomato sauce doesn’t stick to whiteboards so I had to photoshop that. This was the only time I had a clear idea of how I wanted a photo to look and how I wanted it lit. I didn’t want the shooter to be visible and I’m not sure if I consciously knew why at the time I did it but looking on it now I’m realising just having a hand there makes the viewer the shooter and maybe that’s why people found it uncomfortable? Good.

So why did I do this?

In high school I was bullied profusely because of my back by two boys that I seemed to be in every class with. There was really no escaping them and their chanting and in one class the teacher would always walk out which meant an hour straight of tormenting until one day I ran out of class and didn’t come back until lunchbreak. One of the boys told the teacher what happened when he came back and asked where I was. The vice principal said if it happened again they’d be expelled. Luckily for me one of them left school not long later, I couldn’t really recall what happened to the other loser but he grew up to be a photographer and one night outside Fringe Festival heard someone yelling “goat fucker” at some cops trying to detain a guy, and the guy yelling was him. So it’s great to see some people literally never change.

Two classes specifically they would repeatedly say the same thing at me, they thought they were SO funny and some of the other boys snickered at it too encouraging them. Every day I sat there either hurting myself, wanting to die or thinking of all the ways I could get back at them. The latter ruled over the thoughts of suicide. The Industrial Arts class was probably where my brain was the most active because we were surrounded by drills, saws, these air pipe things that if you put it against your skin you could cause an air bubble in your blood and die.. but the reality is if my parents had owned a gun I would have done what all these kids in America keep doing. I don’t even have to think twice about it, and I don’t think it should be shameful to say that as a teenager being bullied that is where my mindset was at. I think it needs to be known that some of us have these thoughts but don’t necessarily act out on them. We’re human afterall. Sometimes we’re just pushed beyond our limits and have no idea how to fix the situation or how to make it end. As a teenager going through this there were two thoughts: I die or they do.  That is why I made this photo. I can identify with the shooters. Some kind of empathy. I was that kid in school that people just didn’t see, or people wanted to pick on, not even my parents had a clue. It bothers me every time I see something on the news about a shooting, or even movies like Hello Herman, where people are just so quick to label the shooter a monster instead of wondering why they did it nobody wants to hear that their dear angelic children were being giant assholes to another human being. It’s just so much easier to blame a musician, or a game or a horror film for someone’s actions. How are we ever going to stop bullying in school if we can’t even acknowledge it when this happens?

This is also what I loved about 13 Reasons Why. People seem to love or hate this show and quite frankly everyone knows how to kill themselves and this show isn’t suddenly shining a big bright torch on how to slit your wrists. I don’t see the character of Hannah as having to get the final word or getting revenge either. She’s telling people why she killed herself. Listing all the things in her life that went wrong and she couldn’t cope with. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there? Even as an adult if a string of things keep going wrong my depression gets worse aka 2016. So why expect a kid to have their shit together mentally? I see that show as making people (as in the viewers, not necessarily the characters) realise their actions have consequences which can be someone killing themselves in defeat.

If you need help here’s some links:

Black Swan Health – I went through these guys last year for help and they were great! If you have a health care card I highly recommend using them as they have a discounted rate.
BeyondBlue
eHeadspace
Kids Matter

 

 

Photographers are crap, aliens told me so

I think I’m becoming the cliche of Angry Old Man syndrome (there’s this joke that’s gone around for years that I have bigger balls than most guys, I’m a girl incase you’re reading this and don’t actually know me), especially where music photography is concerned. First there were a few issues which brought up a conversation on sexism in the industry – something that was discussed at the WAM seminars last year and actually exists despite what some people like to think. Fun fact but just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. One show had the door guy having ten kids of fits over “people asking for freebies” to my having a photo pass, like I’m working pretty hard for a freebie. I’m risking my gear (and feet and head since my head is normally at elbow level) amongst a moshpit of drunk people who forget what boundaries are, splash beer around or just don’t see you. Another show had a power tripping security guy who had no issues with the male photographer staying in the pit longer or doing whatever the hell he wanted side of stage, meanwhile I was repeatedly asked to show my pass and told I had to leave. Apart from this though is just the general attitude promoters/venues/bands/I-don’t-know-whoever-the-hell-is-in-charge-of -this-stuff have where photographers are 2nd class citizens. Now I may never get another photo pass as long as I live for writing my thoughts and I don’t really care because last night I got to photograph Green Day and that’s pretty much the highlight of my life where music photography is concerned. There’s really no topping that. Which is what inspired me to write this..

Whenever there is a tour of some kind a bunch of us will raise our hands in interest in reviewing or photographing a show. Due to reasons (I own a stupid spine, lack of money and I can’t drive) I tend to only raise my hand to bands I really would like to see live. Reviewers always get a +1 [Edit: I’ve been informed this isn’t true but every show I’ve been at the reviewer has had a +1]. Photographers never do. In the past 3 years I think I’ve had three + 1’s and two of them I didn’t know I had until I arrived at the show. The only band to give a heads up with this was the Misfits concert about two years ago. Somewhere there was a huge lack of communication in letting the publication or myself know this so they go to waste. The L7 show I was lucky enough to let a friend know just before she left work so she could head straight there. In part I’m ok with never getting a +1 because I don’t really like the idea of thinking people are only friends with me to get free entry to a show. Like it’s nice to be given one but it’s not a necessity. I’m generally pretty happy to be given the privilege of photographing a band I really enjoy and I’ve decided I like photo pits more than +1’s. For me +1’s were great while I had anxiety – especially last year when it got really bad – but not so much anymore.

Last year was the first concert ever where I was told at the time of gaining a photo pass that I would have to leave the show as soon as the 3-song rule was over. I’d never heard of such a thing in my life. The reviewers +1 went to me and on the night found out from staff that no it was ok for me to stay and watch without her +1.

Normally at shows you’re allowed to hang back as long as your camera is packed up. Shows at Metro I’ve been allowed upstairs to take photos from a different viewpoint and sat up there to watch the whole show by myself without any issues.

My first big agro this year was over the Cyndi Lauper/Blondie concert. This was my first time shooting from the sound desk so I borrowed a friends zoom lens which made me glad I didn’t rent a lens because the 200mm still wasn’t enough to get decent shots. I only sent in three photos to Wall Of Sound because they all looked identical but a couple of the guys shooting had lenses so huge they should have been able to get moon craters clearly. I have no idea who they were shooting for so kept an eye on instagram incase anything was posted. I saw one great close up of Cyndi and assuming it was a photographer asked what lens he’d used. He was just a punter in the crowd, second row from the stage with his 50mm lens. We weren’t allowed anywhere near the stage or allowed to take photos outside of the 2-3 song rule. Which started the week-long rant of “Why do professional photographers have all these restrictions and rules yet EVERYONE else could get a photo in front of the stage?” I saw all the bag checking as I got there that night and assumed they were stopping cameras/booze. Nope.

I received my photo pass for Green Day on Friday and had to sign a contract. I was on a massive high and felt like the luckiest girl in the world which I know is a huge exaggeration but you have no idea how badly I wanted to photograph them. Like normal the reviewer scored a +1 and I was asked to respond with if I’d be photographing the support act. I replied with yes along with the signed contract and asked if the photo rules were also the same for that band and got no reply. Over the next 24 hours I heard mixed stories about photographers and media passes for this event so I wasn’t sure if I’d even be allowed to stay. So it ended up being a massive killjoy Sunday night to find out that after our 2-song limit for The Interrupters we were escorted from the building. Escorted. We weren’t even allowed to stay in the foyer where they have a bar/food area. So everyone who told me to check them out, yeah I couldn’t. I’ll just take your word on it about how great they are. I’m not even over reacting here. Once outside we were told to come back at 7:45pm for Green Day, where the process was going to be the same thing. To steal a line from Shannon Noll (who stole it from someone else but I was like 3 years old when that song came out and I can’t remember who it was and I’m not about to Google it) but “What about me? It isn’t fair!“. Seriously, why does a reviewer get to take his mate along for a free show but us photographers aren’t allowed to watch it? Just like the reviewer we’re there to do a job, how are we of less importance? And in all seriousness seven people weren’t going to block the entry ways from over crowding and there were seats available in the nose bleed area as well. But no, we weren’t allowed to stay at all. I can’t speak for all people but whenever I picked up street press or look at a site I’m looking at the photos, not the review. I own copies of Rolling Stone for the photos. Maybe that’s because I’m a photographer, but I loved looking at band photos from when I was a kid. I wasn’t big on the reading. Now I’m not saying the review isn’t important, and obviously the reviewer has to be there for the whole show to be able to review it properly, but I do think both are of equal importance. Both parties still have to go home and spend hour/s writing and editing their work before it’s published but can we all admit that this practice is unfair to photographers? Why does a random person get free entry to a show for doing nothing?

My hero that night was another photographer named Dan. I was complaining about not being able to see Green Day to another photographer friend (like we get to see bands at most shows) and Dan asks me if I want to see the show and hands me a concert ticket. I must have come across like a right dickhead cos I was in shock on why someone would just hand me a ticket. I can’t afford to go to concerts thats why I get photo passes (that and the fact I’m pretty short so for 2-3 songs I get to have a really good view of the band before moving back). Turned out he had tickets for himself and his wife and she couldn’t go anymore and he was unable to sell them. So I forced a hug on him. I honestly could have cried. This was the kindest gesture of all time (again maybe a gross exaggeration but I REALLY LOVE GREEN DAY GUYS!!!) and I couldn’t believe it was happening. Thanks to him I got to see the entire show after our 2-song limit. On the event page I’d seen the venue reply to a girl saying SLR’s with 50mm lenses are allowed into the show. I contemplated it for about 5 seconds because I did want to try a crowd shot but I wasn’t up for battling the crowd and wanted to enjoy the show instead. Enjoy it I did!

Flashback Friday: I Shot Rob

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Thanks to Facebook memories today I found out it was two years ago that I dragged my mate Rob to a park (ok I didn’t drag but it sounds way more interesting that way!) and had the most chill photo shoot of all time. I was like “go sit there and play guitar” and then I got into my crazy paparazzi ninja style and took photos. Then I told him to go climb in this here tree and be one with nature because that’s what hippy heavy metal dudes do. Then I ended the day with an alley way in Northbridge where he gave me the best psycho face.  I met Rob when he was in a band called Aniva and now he busks around Perth. I manage to run into him half the time I venture to Northbridge so chances are high you’ve seen him!

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Breakfast is hard

I keep forgetting to take my thyroid medication as soon as I wake up, and instead I end up hungry and realise if I’d taken the pill when I should have I could eat now instead of waiting another 30 minutes. Breakfast is hard though. You can’t eat anything with calcium or iron in it for two hours because it prevents your body absorbing the pill properly. All forms of breakfast (for me) I feel need to become dinner options just so I can add soy milk to something. I can’t have vegemite on toast (No I don’t add milk to that), fruit loops, porridge (because its getting cooler and oats are awesome even though I’m not meant to eat them either). You can only eat so many bananas before life just gets boring.
So here’s another list while I wait for breakfast…

Right now this is also good for blocking out the obnoxious noise levels coming out of my neighbours unit.  She’s so loud she could wake the dead.

Top 10 Albums Ever According To Me Right Now In No Particular Order Without Listing The Same Band Twice.
(and by Top 10 Albums I mean albums I like from start to finish)

Hooray For Boobies – The Bloodhound Gang

Seriously I love playing this super loud to piss off my neighbours. If you lived here you’d understand. One apartment owns one Bob Dylan album. One apartment owns one Lana Del Rey CD and has no volume dial. The house next door only owns a Jamiroquai CD which she will sing along to in her backyard and dying cats have sounded more in tune.

Favourite song to blast: Three Point One Four because they say “vagina” ALOT and I can’t think of anything more perfect to be a brat back with. I Hope You Die is also a favourite dedication.

Dookie – Green Day

I was raised on my mums music which was everything from B-52’s to Ziggy Stardust to KISS to Madness and everything pop rock. I started getting into my own music when I was 9 and it went Bananarama, New Kids On The Block, East 17 to Green Day. As the cool kids say this was my gateway drug to punk music and everything heavier than a boyband.

We Want Your Blood – Chainsaw Hookers

An album full of songs about horror films? Yes please.

Answer That And Stay Fashionable – AFI

I’ve been flogging this for the last month every time I leave the house. I go through stages listening to this, but this is seriously my fave AFI album.

The Black Parade – My Chemical Romance

It’s a tough choice between this and Three Cheers but if I was going to base it on what makes me feel everything its The Black Parade. This album (specifically the song Cancer) brings me to tears EVERY DAMN TIME!

Elastica – Elastica

I found a copy of this album about 20 years too late, but from start to finish it’s brilliant and good pace for being on the treadmill.

The Best Of Madness

I know best of albums are frowned upon but I have this on vinyl (it was my mums) and has all the good stuff like Baggy Trousers, Shut Up, House Of Fun..

Everything Sucks – Descendents

I’m slow to this bandwagon on purpose. Generally if there’s a large group of people saying something is great I feel really let down when I check it out. Like Game Of Thrones. I’m reminded constantly I’m wrong about this album too but whatever dude!

Antichrist Superstar – Marilyn Manson

My art school years started out with me being a walking rainbow to being head to toe in black within 12 months. It’s not Marilyn Manson’s fault. It’s Fairuza Balk’s. I just happened to discover Manson around the same time. People can say what they want about this guy but this album got me through my worst period of depression and anxiety. It didn’t help me leave the front door without crying and falling apart as a human, but it kept me going.

10. The Living End – The Living End

Prisoner Of Society – because I feel like a prisoner here. I don’t need alarm clocks, I live with feral white trash who like to make a metric fuck tonne of noise every minute of the damn day.

Lists

Life is a giant shit hole that keeps digging deeper.

I now have to go to the dentist, which I’ve been putting off for a couple years and decided I’d go full masochistic and go on my birthday..but no I have to go asap because I’ve apparently broken a tooth. Or lost a filling. Pretty sure it was a filling. Plus my jaw isn’t moving a whole lot, which is ok with me because it gets me out of talking. For a change I’m not being an asshole, I really can’t talk to you.

So I’m pinching some dude’s fb post list of fav movies because I have nothing much else to talk about. I have some anti inflammatories for my spine so all going well these work and I can get back to shooting more than once a month!

Most Hated Movie: Curse Of Chucky. This movie hands down ruined the storyline and I can’t even begin to tell you how unexcited I am by the next installment. Even the creators of Jason Vorhees had enough sense to forget Part 9 happened (admittedly putting him in outer space is ridiculous, but less ridiculous than Part 9). Everything about this movie bugged me. For starters, why are we only hearing about these characters now and nowhere in the last 5 films? Who gave him his makeover considering the toy company doesn’t exist? Did anyone else notice that Chucky didn’t bleed or anything? He was a stuffed toy through the whole film. Also, his puns were the WORST. Then WHAM out of nowhere there’s Tiffany. WTF? Where are Glen and Glenda? Why is Tiffany suddenly helping Chucky when she wanted him dead and out of her life in the last film? Why is Chucky being sent to the girls house to take over her body, but then being mailed off to Andy? What happened to the girl is he’s still a doll? And most importantly…why the hell is Andy letting the doll out of his sight to go on a rampage around a mental ward after waiting 20 years for Chucky to return? You’d shoot the little bastard and body his body parts in a safe which you would drop inside whatever active volcano you can find.

Most Overrated Film: The Babadook. I don’t understand all the fuss around this movie. It wasn’t scary, it was frustrating. I would have been 100% ok with both of them dying by the end of the film.

Most Underrated Movie: Series 7. It came out in 2001 and was played at one cinema and took way too long to find on DVD. Most people I know don’t even know of this film. Personally I thought it was a great look at the world’s obsession with reality tv, which sadly has got a whole lot worse since then.

Movie I secretly love: I don’t secretly love movies. I fully embrace loving movies like Twilight. You can kiss my ass.

Favourite Action movie: The Losers is the most played action movie in my house and that might be because Jeffrey Dean Morgan is in it.

Favourite Drama: Fur. It’s a fictional movie about photographer Diane Arbus and how she got into “freak” portraiture. It’s all very romanticised but I love the styling and characters and it’s a pretty cool storyline.

Favourite Horror Movie: Child’s Play, just incase my blind hated for the last movie threw you. I adore Chucky. I have 7 or 8 Chucky dolls here just to prove a point. My brother says I have a problem.

Favourite Comedy: I had to look up the Top 100 Comedy list because I tend to find the wrong movies funny. Like I laughed watching Cape Fear with Robert De Niro when I was in Year 10. I laughed while watching Hostel. Going by the ‘Top 100’ on Rotten Tomatoes I don’t think they understand the concept of comedy either since Get Out is on there.

Favourite Disney Movie: Dumbo because Toy Story is a Pixar movie.

Favourite Sci-Fi movie: I’m really not into alien type movies but Critters is amazing fun and I forgot to watch it this Easter.

Favourite Animated Movie: Oh I can put Toy Story here!! The entire trilogy is brilliant. If you aren’t crying during the 3rd film you have no soul.

Favourite Superhero movie: How is a girl meant to choose between Iron Man and Thor? Oh I know, The Avengers.

I’m going to finish binge watching Party Of Five now. In theory I’ll have this finished sometime in the early hours of the morning, or tomorrow. What should I watch next?

Everything Sucks

my spine

I’ve decided to write my life story (just kidding) on here because it turns out half of my friends have the empathy ability of a teaspoon while others I barely know have asked how my appointment has gone. So this is everything in the last two year including the fantastic conclusion that I have no idea where to go from here.

Earlier this year I shared x-rays of my spine as a 15yr old on Facebook when a musician made out like I was exaggerating my condition. That my “running around” with a camera at a gig means I’m 100% fine and a hyperchondric. Or my favourite one is the amount of times I’ve heard that someone can’t see it, therefore it can’t be that bad. Just to clarify, walking back and forth in front of a stage is hardly running around. Even getting up on the stage to get a closeup of a drummer is hardly running around and I’ll sit down when I can.

My whole life I’ve struggled with finding a job because of my back. Nobody would hire me. Everyone’s fantastic suggestions included “just don’t tell them” (which was also said my the loser mentioned above). I didn’t mention it when I got a job in 2012 and for the next 18 months struggled every week with standing all day or having to deal with the heavy lifting because God knows none of the guys there wanted to do anything other than Fantasy football on the computers.

Since losing that job I’ve spent two years with an injured knee that finally works as of last year. Two days after having knee surgery in 2015 it seemed to set off my gallbladder, which took two months for anyone to realise.  3am I’m calling an ambulance because of severe chest pains and I couldn’t breathe properly. The next three hours I’m plugged up to heart machines because they think I’m having a heart attack and my lack of blood pressure kept setting the machine off. Blood results come back with the doctor asking me how much I drink because my liver is fucked. Two months later of more ambo rides, hours worth of painkillers and another blood test it shows me liver is still a mess and I’m sent for an ultra sound. Straight up she sees the gallstones. I’m booked in for surgery and get the guy to push it back later so I could still do the one booked job I had. Yeah I know, my priorities are askew but when you have issues getting work you tend to try and keep the only paid job you have! I started feeling really weird the week I was meant to have surgery. Other things were being affected and the health direct nurses were telling me it’s just something I ate. Google was telling me otherwise. I spent the job with one hand taking photos and the other arm clutching my stomach (as I discovered from the multiple ER trips I had it was my stomach in pain, not my chest. I always thought the ribcage area was the chest) and the next day I caught the bus to the hospital where I ended up booked in and emergency surgery the next day. A stone decided to go on an adventure and block the bile duct causing me to end up jaundiced. I couldn’t even tell. I was in hospital from Sunday – Thursday until my results looked ok enough to take out the drain and let me out. From there I ended up sick a lot, gained 10 kilos in a couple of months which astounded me with how often I couldn’t keep food in my own body for longer than 5 minutes and bloating was constantly an issue. Something as simple as a hot chocolate was suddenly making me violently ill. I was sent to a dietician last year so I’m now intolerant to a sugar group, which I realised this year contains 90% of the fibre food group. Good times! On top of all that I found out this year it basically shutdown my thyroid which is why I haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained so now I’m on medication for that for the rest of my life. Good news is it’s working.

It was towards the end of 2015 after the gallbladder surgery that I noticed my back looked worse than normal. GP couldn’t believe I hadn’t been checked since I was 19 and sent me immediately for x-rays and sent referrals to two hospitals. Neither one of them took it but Fiona Stanley did, and I got told it would be up to 12 months to get seen because I wasn’t considered serious enough. When I past the 12 month mark I rang up again and the woman couldn’t tell me where I was on the list but told me to get the GP to send another referral to make it sound more urgent, which wasn’t hard given how much pain I’m in all the time now. Didn’t hear a thing. I started seeing the physio in January because I figured I needed to try something and after a month or so suggested I try and see a private specialist just so I get seen faster. I found a guy, made an appointment and I set up a gofundme account to help with the costs. As much as I hated doing that I knew I couldn’t afford it on my own. A couple of awesome guys even got together and held a fundraiser show to help me out with any costs I have.

To give an example of the pain levels there were two weeks running where I ended up in tears at gigs. The first week I had a photo shoot in my studio which was followed by taking photos at a Breaking Punk show. I took pain killers when I got there, even had alcohol, broke down and got a forced massage, then added nurofen to the mix.

The following weekend a friend took me to Ikea to get a new armchair to help my back out so I’d be sitting straighter. Because I work on my laptop all the time I spend more time on the couch than at a desk. The ikea girl helped me get it on the trolley which was simple enough and I pushed it around. The pushing itself was ok, the stopping and starting set my back off. I didn’t even have to get it inside. My friend called her other half over and they brought it upstairs and inside. I went to the fundraiser gig for me and I was already swallowing pain killers, and spent the night mostly feeling miserable. Before the night was over I was in the foyer in tears again because I was in that much pain. Just carrying two small plastic bags of groceries or hanging up laundry can affect it that physio told me to stop getting my own shopping.

So yesterday was the specialist appointment and I left there just feeling shattered. I basically feel like I’m nothing more than an oxygen thief.  I know there are people worse than me out there in the world but that doesn’t change the fact that hearing there’s nothing that can be done for you makes you feel worthless as a human being.

So first up, my spine has the normal density for someone my age but I have the spine of a 60yr old. No more painkillers. They won’t do shit. Also physio won’t do be any good either in all seriousness. Perhaps a remedial massage occasionally will help me feel better but the problem is inflammation of the spine itself and I need inflammatories. I got told to take panadol & nurofen daily and if that doesn’t work go get something stronger. If today is anything to go by..I need something stronger. I went to the cinema with a friend. My back starting hurting from the seats, it’s been five hours since I left there and I’m still really sore. From sitting in a seat!!

Surgery can be an option but the specialist will never recommend it because it’s about as useful to me as getting a breast enlargement. I’m paraphrasing but he seriously compared it to breast enhancement. It would be purely cosmetic and do nothing for the pain itself. I can’t handle the scars I have from gallbladder removal which are maybe 2cm long if that, this would leave a scar running the entire length of my back. Surgery involves removing a chunk of the spine, trying to realign it (the curve wouldn’t be 100% better, just better than what it is now) and fuzing it back together. This would give me limited movement for the rest of my life. There’s a 1 in 10,000 chance of ending up paralysed. Other risks including nerve damage which would affect areas of my body.

Any form of a brace is out. He said the only way for a brace to be truly affective is to wear it 23 hours a day and all that will do is deteriorate my muscles.

When I told him about the times of doing nothing more than taking photos having me in tears he said the camera itself is enough to strain my back. It’s 1.5 kilos. That’s it!

My options include losing weight (which should happen any time now that the thyroid meds work) and 3-4 sessions a week walking in a swimming pool. This provides exercise without straining the spine itself because the water makes you weightless. Yoga/pilates is an option too. Something about muscles but honestly all the talk of operations etc and I’d got lost in the conversation. He’s mailing me out what we discussed because that’s natural apparently. It was a lot to take in, more so that nothing can really be done.

The first thing he asked me when I sat down was if I had leg pain, that came up later and I asked what kind of leg pain and he said “trust me you’d know”.

So at the end of it all I have confirmation that my diagnosis as a teenager is in fact correct that I have Scheuermanns Kyphosis. Apparently that’s commonly misdiagnosed with people who just slouch but my x-rays more than prove that’s correct.

My GP told me in 2015 I should be eligible for disability because I shouldn’t be doing anything other than desk work. After yesterday I was reminded of that conversation but with how the government is with disability I have no idea if it’s worth it. I guess it can’t hurt to try, but the stress involved applying I don’t know if it’s worth it.  There are people on it in wheelchairs who get harassed regularly about if they still need it, there are people in wheelchairs with brain injuries who can’t even get on the benefit, then you have other people on it for depression and never have to lift a finger. The system is far from consistent or fair.

At most right now I’m considering deactivating my business because it will never be anything other than casual. Basically a hobby and that sucks the most.

To end this, if one more person recommends a granny trolley to me I swear I will lose my shit entirely. I know some people mean well but I like to think this would be a common sense thing..if someone’s back is in pain from distributed weight how is a giant dense weight a good idea? Having to pick that up and down off buses, up and down stairs, it would make matters worse. It just doesn’t take a genius to work that out. Sorry but I’m not either.

Flashback Friday – Zombies!

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FBF to 2012 – to the day – when I had a zombie shoot with these two girls at a local cemetery. I had a friend assisting me to help with any cleanup to avoid getting fake blood on my camera but I ended up not even needing her really – so much so that she got this behind the scenes photo of me. It was probably the cleanest zombie shoot I’ve ever had.

The two girls were ready to go when we got there with makeup on. The shoot started one with one as a zombie and the other the ‘victim’, but the victim had a severe case of the giggles and couldn’t stop laughing. By the end of the shoot she’d turned zombie too, so if you’re ever in a zombie apocalypse maybe take it a little bit seriously 😉

I thought it fitting to show off the photo I was taking when this behind the scenes photo was taken. I don’t even know how I edited it but it was shot on my Canon 400D with 50mm lens. I still have that camera, compared to my Nikon now it’s like a toy camera. It’s so small and light! Sometimes I really regret selling the 50mm though because I only have the lensbaby for it now.

I got to a point about 2-3 years ago where I really resented being known as “the girl who takes zombie photos”, when compared to the amount of pinup/music photography I’d done a handful of shoots were all I was known for. I’m pretty sure I could count all the zombie shoots I’ve done on one hand. They are a lot of fun though so maybe I’ll do another one some day.